I got a job interview at home. Im excited, because right when I thought G-d had abandoned me (I knew very well I wasn’t, but I felt like I was, losing so much so quickly), He opened for me new doors. Like my move here, when G-d opens doors, you MUST accept it, whether you like it or not (three failures in two weeks) or thought you were ready (you are, otherwise it wouldn’t’ve opened) or not. While a door closed in what I had begged over the years for, it was taken away. I was selfish; I jumped in eagerly, impulsively, and reaped the punishment. Even when I thought I was ready, I wasn’t. Did I selfishly force him into something that I wanted? Did I even gauge his readiness for what I even thought was my calling? No. I can only rest this aspect in G-d’s hands, the way I should have. So I let him go. I couldn’t keep him. If he loved me like I did, he’ll come back. If it was meant to be, it’ll be. Until then, I can only have faith, start at the base, and try to build myself up into a better, a good, person.
After much contemplation, gratefully, G-d finally opened a door to (atleast!) prep me for my chances to come home, and I gladly accept. I promise to forfeit my earnings, and help you with your bills, but there’s a few things I must have:
I must come back home. I do not wish to live with regrets, but I still wonder how my life would’ve turned out if I hadn’t moved to Sebastopol. It wasn’t as much a nightmare as my life in Rohnert Park was, but in such a short amount of time, it changed my life. Is my record ruined? Am I right for nursing? Most of all, would the man I loved, still love me if I hadn’t worsened his burden by depending on him in my loneliness?
I must return to school. I want to be a teacher. I still don’t mind pursuing my BSN, but I likes entertaining the idea of getting into teaching. Please honor my desire to try other fields.
I must return to Aikido. I need to return to the person I was then: focused, patient, mature…not to mention, fitter. I didn’t complain in those days. I was fun to be around, yet I was still independent. My time management skills—while maintaining my grades—were impeccable. I was happy both on the mat and off the mat. I genuinely loved life and everyone in it. I want to be this person again.
Please don’t judge me for pursuing some sort of Sunday prayer. I was happy going weekly Bible study at school. Yes, I admit it. I was happy around Nancy and Grace, they were good people with a sort of glow to then, a glow I wished I could have. When Nancy voluntarily took me aside, she said something that struck so close to home: “Hannah, G-d loves you.” I cried. I was a despicable human being, whom, at that point, even my parents couldn’t love. It’s this lost faith I need to discover and accept. I can’t do it alone; like love, I need to work at it.
Thanks, mom, for all that you gave me. Even if you don’t understand these now, that’s ok. I just need you to support my decisions and needs. Thanks, mom. I love you.
Love,
Hannah
